Wednesday I have 2 of my teen girls. They are both making excellent progress. Another one of my teens, a quiet and somewhat timid spirit, comes in to do his first solo workout. He was the last one I expected to do this voluntarily. My kids amaze me. I begin to feel guilty that I am no longer an example for them. I have quit.
Thursday’s are my day off from my bill paying job and I realize, courtesy of Netflix, all my newly found free time has allowed me to watch 2 seasons of New Girl, 3 1/2 seasons of Parks and Rec, numerous George Lucas documentaries. This is not a positive moment in my life. I exist to lift and teach, not to watch TV.
I arrive much earlier than my first appointment. When I am lost and have no place to go, I always come here. This is my holy ground, my safe place. I do paperwork. Coach sits at my desk and says I have to stop letting the opinions of others get to me. And I tell him he doesn’t understand. People adore and respect him. He has a whole team. He has people to lift with all over the state. He is my team and I am a joke to him. I can fend off the others knowing he’s got my back but his neglect validates them, invalidates me. I am tired of being the forgettable person, especially to the person I respect most and whose respect I work so hard to earn. I am tired of him getting me excited about events just to have him not show up when the time arrives and then telling me it is my fault.
In the last three weeks I have needed him to allocate 1 hour to me, 1 hour to write a program I have been waiting all summer for, and he didn’t do it or bother to communicate. Again. If the program is going to be late that’s fine, but let me know. I, yes I, apologize for my program being late. Again. The Professor wants to strangle me and says the next time I want to apologize for his inability to do his job, I am to text her first. My confidant looks at me and says “you realize you apologized because he didn’t do his job. A job you pay him for.”
I do realize this. But as often as he forgets, he also goes above and beyond for me. I don’t know how to reconcile these things. If only he would communicate. After my client leaves I go over to Coach’s desk and we watch live streams of MMORPGs. “Can you re-write day 4?” He already has a plan.
Friday I have to lift. I can’t quit because this is who I am. When people ask me what I do, I tell them I am a weightlifter. The person I have been the last few days is familiar and I know it never ends well for her. I need to start fighting NOW if I am going to change the course of this battle. I am not giving up the only thing in this life that has ever helped me, the only thing I have ever loved. I show up and Coach says I am going to bench. It’s a chest day with leg and core work. The original day 4 squat overload has been divided up and lifts have been reorganized. Friday included leg presses and bottom half squats, core was V-ups and leg lifts. Coach said something which spurs me to say “you just don’t feel right with a pain-free ass?”. He smiles and says “I don’t like to be too comfortable”.
And so, I begin again. I get back to the work of becoming.