I wrote a post over the weekend with lift details (Friday was good, or so I thought) and an update on the search for a coach (I found one but was struggling with what to do). It felt like all the other recent posts. Torn, depressed, looking for my heart.
And then Monday happened. Shoulder day. Rough moment with Coach. Rough moments with clients. Unfocused lifting. And it all ended with Coach kicking my ass. In short “your showing up and doing your lifts but you aren’t working. You’re not giving 100%. If we were on the practice field I would have pulled you and not to sit on the sidelines but I would have sent your ass home. I’ve tried to figure out what’s going on in your head, I’ve tried every way I know how to flip your ‘On’ switch and I can’t find it. Whatever obstacle is in your head, you need to get rid of it. 16 weeks. You have 16 weeks. Whatever it is, don’t push it aside, don’t deal with it later. Get rid of it. You know you haven’t been doing your work. In the last month, who has been working harder: you or me?”
No one out works me. It’s all I know how to do so I do it at full speed. But he’s right. “You” I answered and it sucked. I don’t let anyone out work me, not even Coach. And then I said “but what if you’re the obstacle?” “Get rid of me. You don’t have time for obstacles”. “I’ve been looking”. “Good. Any athlete that wants to win would”. “But I found one…this isn’t how it’s supposed to be”. “You’re supposed to want to win. Period. I think you can get there with me but if you can’t, get me out of your way. If you can’t flip the switch with me, you have to go to him.” “I have 16 weeks. You know me better than I know myself. He doesn’t know me. But there aren’t blurred lines with him.” “There’s good and bad to both. You have a hard decision to make.”
I had a long night. I cried. I broke things. I wrote. I read old posts from when I was a warrior. I said “f*ck you Coach” (a lot). I watched a marathon of “Frasier” and laughed (a little). I watched him slack off for a year (which he admits) and he has the nerve to say he works harder than me?! And the worst part is, I had to admit he was right. The list of things I am not is never-ending: I am not talented, gifted, smart, pretty, sweet, athletic. What I am is the hardest worker. Any time, any place, any task. I out work everyone.
And today I finally showed up and did my work. Towards the end, when I realized this little button-pushing speech worked, I started to laugh and said “You stole that speech from me. I gave you the same damn one months ago. Did it work?” “It got me thinking. And then I wanted to punch you.” That’s about right. When all was done, he said I did a nice job showing up. Of course I did. No one out works me and I will prove it every damn day.
Maybe lift details will follow later. Maybe not. If not, just know my deadlifts were solid, my right hip carried the squats, I’ve taken 2 ice baths. Workout number two is about to take place.
Whatever the future for Coach and I may be, I can say this with certainty: This warrior has been retreating for months. Last night I had to choose if I was giving up or armoring up. I did not put 4 years worth of work into this battle to quit 16 weeks away from accomplishing something. Everything else is put aside. I am marching back to war.