Cleans: My Reward

At our old facility I was an unstoppable force. It was where I uncovered my Warrior, found a reason to live, met my lifting role model and where he took me under his wing and turned me into an athlete. I wanted to be strong and fast and jump enormous heights. I wanted to do what Coach did so I watched him, the hardest worker there, and then worked harder.

He once said to me “it was always my worst fear that I would meet someone almost as amazing as me.” I finished my set of … Squats? Deadlifts? and looked at him and said “wait, am I that someone?” He just smiled. It was a great moment and if I wasn’t cocky before that, I was after – I was almost as amazing as Coach and he was the best.

But then we left there and I was never good enough again. In the middle of my epic suck I was injured and given the news I won’t ever be able to work hard enough to ever be good enough.

Watch me…

Since my “The Love of Lifting” post, I have been going in with the intention of loving every moment I have with the bar. Yes, I still get frustrated and when I saw cleans on today’s workout I cringed, but I would love every moment. The pressure is gone. I look forward to proving Coach wrong but it no longer needs to be immediate and daily.

I told him last week that I know he’s given up on my cleans and he doesn’t think I will ever get them but I won’t give up. And when I break through this wall, I’ll make sure he witnesses it.

The Professor and The Teacher were the only two there today and they were chatting with each other. When I hit the reps set at 100% it seemed too light and I upped the weight. I pulled to the knees, sped up to the pocket, HIT THE POCKET, dropped my ass and made the catch. 18 months of failing at this weight which I will not announce to the world, a weight far less than what my max SHOULD be (I don’t know how many times he actually told me what it SHOULD be but I will hear those words on every pull until I pass it), I not only caught it but I caught it at the bottom of my squat, with beautiful form. Form that would rival Coach’s.

And then I stood up and jerked it.

Before I stepped up to the bar I thought maybe I should have one of the ladies record this so I could send it to Coach with a little “suck it” note. But I am still self-conscious about the low weight (even if it is a big moment for me) and if I sent it to Coach he would just think “you SHOULD have done this 18 months ago, you SHOULD be doing more, it’s no big deal”. And it is a big f*cking deal! I don’t want it ruined thinking about what he is thinking, or worse, what he would tell me.

I worked hard for this moment. I worked harder than the hardest worker I know. I deserve to enjoy the best lift of my life. I simply told The Professor “my cleans were good today”. She would have celebrated with me but this is my secret, my moment. I am keeping it safe and when I struggle in the future, when I am told I can never be good enough, never work hard enough, I will have this untarnished, beautiful, perfect moment to think about and I will simply say “Watch me!”.

FYI: Never bet against someone who never gives up.