From Wishing To Doing

I began Martial Arts tonight.

The last three years I have deliberately chosen to finally do all those things I never thought I could for whatever reason. Through my 20’s the reasons went between work (I was making something of myself), extreme introversion, and fear of failure. In my early 30’s I began to use the age and responsibility excuses along with the above. When I hit my mid-30’s I started making lists of things I always wanted to do but missed out on (and then I felt sorry for myself because “I should have made more of my 20’s). Then I found weightlifting and someone who believed in me. I began doing things someone my age and with my physical problems shouldn’t be able to even dream of much less do. I am still afraid of failure. I still don’t like new groups. But my need to start crossing off things on my list is greater than my fears.

Every time I do something like this – walk into something new with a group of strangers for the first time – it shocks me more than anyone. People think I do amazing things, they think I am tough and border on mean, they think I am inspiring. What I am is terrified of everything, I just do it anyway.

As long as we were moving in slow motion I was pretty good and I didn’t trip over my own two feet. But anything near real time was an ugly mess. I was paired up with someone experienced to … Pary pary something? He was extremely patient and encouraging. I asked how long he had been doing this and said he did it as a kid but came back to it when he was 40. Guess I am not too old to start. Tonight my hip is burning (I assume from the kicks) and I have a very real concern about squatting tomorrow. GTG/Coach hasn’t seen my front squats in months and I wanted him to see how far I have come. Now I just hope my hip shows up.

One of the instructors? teachers? (I have so much terminology to learn!) popped in to say “Are you Elizabeth? Char’s friend?” I can only assume this is the one she also told my goal was to be a ninja. I silently nodded my head. Then the one leading class tonight said “Are you Elizabeth? Mr. ??? that showed you around today told me you were scared about starting.” Way to not stand out in a crowd.

I had stopped in to buy my gi and the nicest people helped me. I wound up in a child size 3…in the back of my head I hear a voice that says “way to kick anorexia in the ass Warrior Girl” but it isn’t my weight. That was the voice but what I FELT was I can be healthy and lift big weight, have big muscles and still be tiny. I like it.

The gentlemen then took me around the facility and I finally found a weight room outside of the one I work in that I like and have zero discomfort in. Their rowers are newer than the gym I row at. Yep, I have a new solo workout place to workout at. Good because after my lifts today, I need one.

After my tour and before returning for class, I went to my “work” gym to lift. Bench day. GTG/Coach and I discussed at what weight someone needs to lift off for me (I am just a hair too short to get the bar off without raising my body) and we settled on 120#. I hate our bench. Set 3 today I was lifting 130#. I tried it on my own anyway. I laid it on my chest, rolled the bar to my lap, and set it on the floor. There was no one there except THE Trainer, whom I still can’t bring myself to talk to, and a trainer I wouldn’t send my worst enemy too. I had decided to lower the weight to 120 and just AMRAP it when the owner walked in. I always thought he would be my absolute end of story last resort person. I was correct. I had no other option but to ask him and I wound up getting 6 reps at 130. I know he helped me on one mid way through the set so I am inclined to discard all of them but I won’t. Accessory lift is BB Rows which went exceptionally easy today, time to up the weight. Sets of pull-ups between my main work.

I only had time for one round of conditioning before clients arrived. I shoveled in tuna on the way to Martial Arts. And when I got home I said something I don’t remember saying in years “God I am hungry”.

After one class I can already tell you 5 things wrong with this stance but the picture is a symbol. What is making me happy today? I am moving something from the wish list to the doing list. I stepped out of my comfort zone, tried something new, and spent 1-1/2 hours in a room of strangers. I can do a basic punch and a basic block. Today I was the person I like best. #100happydays