Big Fish and Brave Warriors

Or, in my case, lift.

My family likes sayings and some have stuck, like the one from my dad about dying dogs. My brother’s was “I can be a big fish in a small pond or a big fish in the ocean – I’m going for the ocean” and he would whisper to me “Wherever you are, be a big fish”. He once said to me “be the bravest girl I know”.

I don’t really know how that pertains to me at the moment but I miss my brother and the next time I see him I’d like to be a little bigger than a minnow. I’d like to be facing my uncertain tomorrow, next month, next year, a little braver than I am today.

Yesterday was chest and, while I only intended to do core before Coach arrived, once I started I couldn’t stop. In my 26 months at this I have always, always benched 10 lbs less than prescribed without a coach around. Well, until Monday. I failed a couple of times, rolled it off me and finished. I kept it out of my shoulders. And, yes, it is the most useless lift around but this moment was a milestone for me. I make a note of it but I don’t take time to celebrate because I have more challenges ahead, including beating the bag in the middle of the room. I haven’t seen the point of the bag until today. I could focus on my lifts, take my over thinking out on the bag, go back to focused lifting. With such a nice rhythm established, it is easy to see that I unintentionally completed the workout before I knew what was happening.

A blessing really. Coach was late and we never would have completed both our workouts in the time remaining. When he arrived he was just my client. I didn’t even think to tell him about my accomplishment until after he finished. I started with “I know this isn’t a big deal to you, you already knew I could but, I did the prescribed weight”. I was right, no big deal. He asks about my hip and answers himself “pretty bad after Saturday, huh?” Oddly enough, since it has started popping in and out, it has felt good. Not just ok, or a little “sandpapery”, but really good. Now that I have said it aloud I expect it to fall apart. After all, I don’t think the hip should be sliding and “popping” in and out of joint so easily.

Today was back day and, once again, I am a bundle of anxiety. If I can focus I could have another moment. All of our appointments cancelled so we had the whole afternoon. The RDLs felt good, the plate slides were great. If there was a moment to be had today, this may be it. Coach’s hamstrings, which have been bothering him for several sessions, kept cramping. These were brutal for me the first week, I had to skip them the second, but today I didn’t break a set, I didn’t scream at any point. They were still torture but I so badly wanted to complete them without showing any sign of weakness and I did. I jumped up and announced to the world (Coach and I being the only two people there) that I was awesome. Coach just sat there looking at me until I asked “what? WHAT?” His reply “just letting you have a moment. You always say I never let you have a moment so enjoy”. My immediate response was “what was wrong? What do I need to improve?”

Rows, rows. Someday I will row like Coach. At this point Coach begins to walk to his desk and finally…

I get to be a coach to Coach! “Going the wrong way for pull-ups.” I don’t think he anticipated me calling him out on this and it is officially my moment of the day! For myself I set up with too much assist. I do four before I drop down and change it. After the set Coach says he’s surprised I counted the first four and I take a breath and say “of course I don’t” as I climb back up and do four more.

Tonight my hip is aching. I am not a big fish in any body of water, and I am sitting with an overwhelming amount of anxiety which only Coach has noticed. This doesn’t make me feel very brave.

But I wasn’t really hopeful about the hip (lie), it was kind of big fish of me to call out the best lifter I know (my client, my coach), and some days just swimming is an act of bravery for this Warrior Girl.